Skip to main content

David and Goliath

Warning: I'm off again. I've debated posting this one, but I think I have to!

My last appreciation post spoke of my deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and dare I use a newer term, feelings of not being "good enough!"

I had been bullied for as far back as I could remember. Even when I wasn't actually being bullied, I got so used to that specific feeling, that I felt I was ALWAYS being bullied. I had become a "victim" to others but also to myself.

My friend Ben Chai hits the nail on the head in his TED Talk, "Bullies will seek you out as they know you could be their victim too." I'm paraphrasing here but this was certainly true in my case.

It left me somewhat on the outside, until one day in the Third Year of Mandeville (it was the second year we had been there but was called the Third Year back then - your parents can explain).

An old classmate of mine invited me to walk to school with him and his popular friends. Me? I mean these guys were extremely popular and if I walked with them then maybe I'd be popular too!

My paranoia was again strong but I went for it. For the first time in a long time I felt I was cool and that I fit in and I was one of the popular kids. It was all in my head of course, but it felt great. It was a big win for me.

My confidence soared. But it was left unchecked and it turned into arrogance! 

One day an older kid, let's call him David; as that was his name; was being teased by another friend of mine. David was tall and a little over weight but then so was I and that's all I really knew about him.

I ended up joining in, in fact I took over. I didn't stop there either. I got worse. 

I started to circle him and kept insulting him. I taunted him. I even kicked him. 

Kids started to form a circle around us and some were laughing. Some were egging me on!

The buzz I felt on that playground just kept me going. No one stopped me, and I couldn't stop myself. But in that moment, it wasn't me being bullied. 

Yep. My arrogance turned me into the thing I hated most. A bully!

And in that moment, I don't think I even cared. 

David stood there and said nothing.

The bell rang and we all went to our lessons. I felt special for that very fleeting moment and then it kind of just passed and I'd forgotten all about it. I wonder if that's what happens with regular bullies? 

School finished at 3pm and we all made our way home. Everyone was excited because it was the end of term and we had a week off. 

I walked home with a friend. In fact it was the friend who was teasing David in the first place. I think I was so in my head with my own arrogance that I didn't really pay attention to my surroundings.

All of a sudden everything went black. I felt immense pain in my back. I think I passed out for a split second and woke up on the floor face down. I'd been hit by a car!

That was the only explanation I could come up with for the fact that I hurt so much and that I was lying face down on the floor.

Someone picked me up from behind, turned me around and promptly smashed me back on to the ground.

It was David!

His face was red and he had a very determined look in his eyes.

Everything slowed down in that moment and I felt - EVERY - SINGLE - PUNCH! None of it on my face though! A small crowd gathered round. 

I got up and we stared at eachother for a few moments. Me with my aching and painful body and one ripped trouser leg, and him - without so much as a scratch! We both held a "ready" position. 

I looked around and everyone was staring. I felt humiliated and then burst into tears. David's posture relaxed. He picked up his bag and walked away. 

He never said a word!

Of course I blamed my friend as he must have set that up. And then I blamed David as he was completely out of order. Deep down I knew who was really to blame. 

I was too scared to go out that Half Term just in case I bumped into David and he'd beat me to a pulp. I ended up doing a lot of thinking though. 

I can't remember if we ever spoke about it again, but we did speak, and were always polite and respected one another. We even started to walk to work together when we first left school and got jobs. That was only for a short time though.

David you know who you are and I want to apologise here. I'm so sorry for what I did. I got caught up and lost myself. And I'm sorry it has taken me so long to say it! I don't expect forgiveness for that, but just needed you to know. 

I also want to thank you! Thanks for one of the best things to ever happen to me! That was one of my life's biggest lessons!

I want to say that I learned from that moment and never got caught up again. I can't. I did. Many times. Only now, I try to call myself out on it, and if that fails, there are plenty around me who would hold me accountable. Something I am grateful for. 

I'm setting the challenge for you all to lean into your vulnerability and give appreciation to someone else, if this is something you feel you cannot do but want to!

Have a great day and I'll be back with another name soon x

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My "Microcare" Family

  Not all of these posts will follow a chronological order, so you'll never know when your name is going to be called. The following actions weren't big actions but they had lasting effects. When I was 17 I moved to Wales. A small village in the then Borough of Newport called Rhiwderin. Which means blackbird on the hill. That has no relevance to this story but I thought you might appreciate a little bit of history. I dropped out of school at 15 without finishing my GCSEs and I'd had a couple of jobs since leaving school but I didn't really have any prospects for the future. I signed up for a Youth Training Scheme and got an interview at a local computer store called Microcare Computing. Fans of Goldie Looking Chain may know of this place ;-) The interview was held in the basement office and I had one of those out of body moments like I did in Miss Amos's music class.  I am convinced that these moments are signs of something that is meant to be! I was nervous but was

Descartes got it wrong!

It is said that what you give out, you get back in the same form. Many of you will know this by its name. Karma.  Everything I say here is not new to me, but something I am remembering everyday. I am back on a journey that I began nearly 30 years ago. In fact, come to think of it, I don't think I ever left this journey, I just stopped a little longer at places en route. I've been working on re-knowing who I am, not the external me but the internal me. Not the ego but the essence of who I truly am.  Don't panic! I'm not about to sell you a religion! I'm merely telling you of my experience at this present time. What you do with the information is up to you, and quite frankly, none of my business.  I have been re-learning. Working on myself to be a person who does good things. A better person. The best person I can possibly be and a better person than who I was yesterday. To feel the fear and do it anyway. To lean in to my vulnerability, and to leave the wo

Learn From Your Kids

These posts I write are not designed for likes or to say "oh look at me aren't I just wonderful?" Like I said in the beginning these are here to push some positivity back onto Social Media, creating a little herd immunity from the negativity out there. I am conscious that some people don't like to be named or tagged so I'm being even more careful not to stress people out with this.  A friend and I were talking a few weeks ago about our parenting experiences and she asked if I thought that our parents had a better idea of it all than we did or if they were winging it too.  I think they were winging it and quite honestly I've learnt that that's ok.  I am (have been) both of father and a stepfather (although in all honesty they are no different please don't let anybody else tell you that they are). And for the last few years I've being a single and sole parent.  It's been tough but it's been very rewarding. As I look back I see tha